Bitch, I'm Fabulous!
by Knightryder007
Summary: After a few drinks and a certain incident with a certain Autobot, Simmons loses it and goes nuts. Crackfic. Rated T for language.


**A Movieverse crackfic. After a few drinks and a certain incident with a certain Autobot, Simmons loses it and goes nuts. I wrote this fic after seeing the results of my poll. Rated T for language. **

**Bitch, I'm FABULOUS!**

He hated his job. Simmons ran his clammy fingers through his rough, greying hair. He looked into the reflection of his PDA, and staring back at him was a mess. He looked like a 60-year old. His face was sagging and grey. He had long ago lost the zest for life after those...aliens came to Earth. His wife was near divorce, his colleagues were assholes and well...he HIMSELF had turned into one. His marriage was falling apart, much like his face. He took zero care of himself. The only thing which could truly relax him was a nice strong glass of gin, which did him more harm than good. Often, he would wake up in the dumpster with a raccoon next to him. At times, he woke up in a bed...with a strange woman next to him. He felt like the anti-James Bond, a spy who drank and slept with lots of girls..from the wrong reasons. Simmons sighed. He swore to himself he would quit this job one day, but the pay...ohh...that would ALWAYS anchor him to this job, even if he did feel like Satan himself created this job for idiots who wanted the money. He was the idiot. And he didn't care. A shot of Gordon's would always fix all...

* * *

It was just after 7 in the evening. Simmons lay wasted in the bar, not caring about an assignment he would be required to do soon. He groaned a bit, and sat up. So far, he had kept down 3 drinks. People had always nagged him about how gin would make him bald and ugly and everything, but he didn't care. His receding hairline and wrinkles were proof he refused to acknowledge. Simmons slammed his head into the bar table and groaned.

"Simmons, we need you down at the Whitwicky residency now!"

Simmons looked up. According to his PDA, he had been out for 2 hours. He slowly got up, tripped over some chairs, and went to his car. Hopefully there were no cops around.

* * *

After shoving Sam and his girlfriend into the back of the S7 car, Simmons clambered in himself. He groaned as he tried to get information from the stubborn boy about the aliens, specifically NBE-1. Sam only responded with a defiant no or no sound at all.

"Look, I know YOU know about Iceman. So open your trap, or I'll..."

#CRUNCH!#

Suddenly, metallic fingers forced their way into the car and lifted it up into the sky.

"I wouldn't take the boy if I was you."

Simmons screamed as he stared into the face of Optimus Prime, leader of the Auto-freaks. He calmed down, and stood his ground.

"You can't do this to a Sector 7 agent!" he yelled, flashing his badge. Sam facepalmed. Was this idiot just trying to get himself killed?!

"Get out of the car." commanded Optimus. He lowered the wrecked vehicle and tipped it slightly. The group got out and saw a group of the aliens towering over them.

Discarding the broken car, Optimus turned to Simmons and the others.

"What do you want from the boy?"

"None of your business! It's classified!"

Optimus growled. That human sure had guts.

Bee smiled within himself. He decided to play a little trick on the defiant human...

#BOINK#

"What the hell was..."

#SPLASH#

"WHAT THE FUCK?! TELL HIM TO STOP!"

"Bumblebee..."

Bumblebee stopped, still chattering a tone that sounded like laughing. Simmons was shaking with rage in the middle of the group. Covered head to toe in...you know...Simmons began shaking it off, all while still trembling.

"Uhh...Sir?" One of the other agents spoke up.

Simmon's violent shakings began to turn into hiccups of occasional laughter.

"Ha...ha ha...ha.."

He then threw his head back.

"Ha..HA HA HA HA HA!"

Simmons laughed for all he was worth. The whole scene was like something out of Death Note. Simmons then turned to Sam.

"Because of you, you little shit, I'm now covered in whatever the fuck this is! And you..." He looked up at Bumblebee," Listen up, you piece of scrap metal, you better LICK this all off before I shove your 'Iceman' buddy up your ass!" Turning to Prime, he added," And as for you, GET YOU AND YOUR BUDDIES THE FUCK OFF MY PLANET!"

Ironhide readied his guns and pointed them at the raving lunatic.

"Oh, you think you're so tough? A little cold and you guys freeze! All you do is point your guns. Without them, you're just a great big PUSSY!"

Ironhide stared in disbelief. Did a human really just call him, of all mechs, a pussy?!

Simmons whipped around to rip into someone else. His black hair flapped into his face.

Pulling the smooth mop off his face, he had a sudden realization.

"My hair...it's...BEAUTIFUL!"

His hair had turned black again! And it was so soft! And smooth!

If any random saw Simmons just now, they would have thought he was bipolar. The agent jumped around and flicked his hair from side to side.

Out of shock and concern, Sam asked:

"Are you alright?"

"NO...of course not...I'm not alright...I'm...I'm...BITCH, I'M FABULOUS! I feel like one of those Sunsilk chicks! Smoother hair in seven days!"

"Excuse me while I have a nervous breakdown..."

Sam fell into Michaela's arms, unconscious.

Simmons was still on a high, doing pirouettes, turning his head and other insane actions, trying to flaunt his hair. Many of the other S7 agents had whipped their phones out, recording the hilarity.

"I'll bet ya this will be the next viral Youtube vid: S7 agent goes nuts!"

**Wow...what a long crackfic. Review please!**


End file.
